28 abril 2004

Nothing By Sergio Mendes?

I don't know who owns these albums, but I wish that I had his collection.


Yes, But Can They Create Their Own Thomas Friedman Moustache?

"When I was in [country in question] last [week/month/August], I was amazed by the [people's basic desire for a stable life/level of Westernization for such a closed society/variety of the local cuisine], and that tells me two things. It tells me that the citizens of [country in question] have no shortage of [courage/potential entrepreneurs/root vegetables], and that is a good beginning to grow from. Second, it tells me that people in [country in question] are just like people anywhere else on this great globe of ours."

Create Your Own Thomas Friedman Op-Ed Column


Indie Rock Gods

I know I'm probably like a year late on this, but has anyone heard this album by the Shins? Dear god, it's brilliant!

I shouldn't have expected anything less from Sub Pop, the label responsible for all of my good grunge memories.


I Guess We Finally Found A Crime The Catholic Church Won't Cover Up

"The Roman Catholic bishop of Toledo has suspended a priest charged in the 1980 killing of a nun, whose body was found covered by an altar cloth and surrounded by burning candles in a hospital chapel on Easter weekend.

The Rev. Gerald Robinson, 66, was arrested on Friday and charged with murder in the death of Sister Margaret Ann Pahl. He remained in jail Wednesday as friends and parishioners said they were trying to raise his $200,000 bail."


27 abril 2004

We Could Go In Several Directions Here

"A German took his female neighbor to court for laughing too loudly. But she had the last laugh -- the judge threw out the case, saying Germany could not ban laughter, newspapers reported on Tuesday.

Unemployed Bernd F., 52, complained to magistrates that 47-year-old Barbara M. kept him awake with over four hours of loud laughter one evening as she enjoyed a meal with eight friends in her Berlin apartment above his, Bild daily said.

The judge dismissed the complaint of disturbing the peace, saying the woman had not broken any noise restrictions. "Laughter is a general sound of life. It will not be banned," he said."


Wouldn't You Like An Oldsmobile?

"I can understand GM's business decision, but seeing Oldsmobile go is almost like a death of someone in the family," said Ken Nicholas, a longtime Olds enthusiast from Eaton Rapids.

Nicholas went on to say that even though he's not sure what his kids' names are, he hopes they will one day know the euphoria of slipping behind the wheel and the sleek comfort of an Oldsmobile.

Last Oldsmobile To Roll Off Assembly Line


23 abril 2004

Three Feet High And Rising ...

"Police said officers talked the men out of the three story high tree on Thursday night after the parks department had sent two cherry-pickers and firefighters had deployed an inflatable rescue mattress.

The couple, described by officials as a 32-year-old transsexual with female breasts wearing a purple thong and a 17-year-old boy in white boxer shorts, were admitted to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation."

Why? They seem perfectly sane to me.

Did anyone in New York see this? Please, please write to me if you did.


Public Outcry?

'American Idol' Voting Strikes Sour Note

I don't even know who the fuck this chick is. I'm tired of "American Idol" getting all this fucking attention. As far as I'm concerned, the only worthwhile thing to come out of that show is William Hung. A whopping 9% of the country tunes into watch this show. I understand TV ratings (I'm in the business people) and that it's a large number having 20-some million people tune into your show. But you know what? Having 9% of America watch your show means that 91% isn't, a number that I'm proud to include myself in. I'm tired of hearing about this garbage.

Every person that's released an album from this show sucks. A lot. Like really, really sucks. One set of them even made a fucking movie that's currently sitting atop the "IMDb Bottom 100" list. Think about that. Of all the shitty, horrible movies made in the history of film, this movie is the worst of them according to people who really, really like movies.

Enough about "American Idol." Enough about Simon Cowell. Can we please just figure out the next stupid fad in this country so I can be done with this already?


22 abril 2004

Honey, You Know I Don't Like Mexican

"'We saw the flesh and the tamales, and our first impression was that he was making tamales with the flesh of the deceased, although it has yet to be confirmed,' Lorena Cortes, a spokeswoman for Michoacan state prosecutors, said."

Tamale Chef Kills Friend, Cooks Him


Jesus H. Christ

I knew Kirk Cameron was a crazy, lunatic, Bible-thumper. But this is one of the greatest, unintentionally funny things that I have ever seen.

Are you a good person?

I'm only wondering if Kirk has repented for the time that he took Carol's money to go meet his Hawaiian girlfriend in Los Angeles and lied to his parents about it by getting Boner to shovel the snow for him.

[Link via Matt Tobey]


21 abril 2004

Soccer Is Not The Devil's Sport

Diego Maradona is in intensive care.

I don't know how many soccer fans are out there. It's a pretty marginal sport in this country after the age of about 12. I know a lot of people who equate it to Communism. Chuck Klosterman wrote a whole chapter about it in his book.

As a kid, I remember watching Maradona in the 1986 World Cup. I'll never forget his quarterfinal performance against England where he scored two goals (including the infamous "Hand of God" goal) that put Argentina through to the semis on their way to an eventual win. In fact, in a strange coincidence, Maradona ranks 6th in this week's ESPN.com List of the "Top 10 Greatest Individual Performances" for his second goal in that game, where he beat five of England's nationals and drilled the ball past the English keeper.

The pictures I've seen of Maradona lately are a pretty scary thing. He's overweight and he looks like he's in pretty bad shape. Let's hope he gets better. The man is only 43 and he's one of the world's greatest living players.


If Only He Didn't Get Hairstyle Pointers From Donald Trump

Koppel Says News, Entertainment A Dangerous Mix

Say what you want about Ted Koppel. He's got bad hair. He's too stiff. He's British. Whatever. He makes a very good point here. I'd be interested to read his full remarks. I guess it's only a matter of time before program promos are actually read by the "newscasters" a la any sporting event on CBS. I have no real problem with cross-promotion, but shilling at the expense of your real news is probably not a good thing.


A Three-Hour Tour? A THREE-HOUR TOUR???

The good people at the Black Table were nice enough to publish a story of mine today. If you have a moment, please head over and take a look. While you're there, it wouldn't hurt to click around a little. They do very good work. If you're going to go, bring something nice. And for god's sake, comb your hair.


20 abril 2004

Now You're All In Big, Big Trouble

Dodgeballers Needed

I picture just one overgrown dude, pegging all the smaller people in the head. I have enough trouble dealing with my childhood through haunting, emotionally crippling memories. I don't need any physical pain to hammer my inadequacies home.


Is There A List of the 50 Worst Magazines?

Blender has a list of the 50 Worst Songs out. I can't find the article on their site (presumably it's either too new or too old) but Launch.com has a quick preview:

"According to Blender Magazine, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," and "Dancing on the Ceiling," may have been catchy tunes and big hits, but they still stink.

The music magazine is publishing its list of the 50 worst songs in its May issue. The songs were selected for "crap-tastic melodies," were poorly performed, or just didn't make any sense to the folks at the magazine.

Starship's "We Built This City," from 1985 topped the list. "The truly horrible sound of a band taking the corporate dollar while sneering at those who take the corporate dollar," the magazine said of the tune."

'Blender' Names 50 Worst Songs

It's hard to quarrel with some of their selections, especially one that basically tells Toby Keith he's a racist, xenophobic, war-mongering prick.


I've Got The Blues

This has to be one of the strangest sports stories since Calvin Murphy and his 14 kids:

Danton Accused of Murder Plot

"Law enforcement sources have told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch that sports agent Dave Frost was the target of an alleged murder-for-hire plot arranged by his client, Blues forward Mike Danton.

The identity of the target has been a mystery since charges were filed against Danton on Friday, a day after the San Jose Sharks beat the Blues 3-1 to eliminate St. Louis from the Stanley Cup playoffs. Danton remains jailed in California pending extradition to the St. Louis area."

I'm all for eliminating the 10% agent's cut. But there's got to be an easier way to do it. Stories like this boggle my mind. I mean, you're sitting at home, watching TV. What's the next thought? "You know, I really don't like my agent. Rather than drop him and find someone else to represent me, I'm going to enlist the services of a 19-year-old college student to rub him out. There's no way this could fail."


19 abril 2004

Holy Flurking Schnit

Kill Bill, Vol 2.


That is all.


16 abril 2004

Not Dead. Resting.

Is Jerry Garcia the white man's 2pac?


Heroin Chic

"The network has obtained the rights to Charles Cross' 2001 book "Heavier Than Heaven: A Biography of Kurt Cobain." Robert Munic ("They Call Me Sir") has been commissioned to write the script for the untitled film, which could get a primetime berth as early as next season. Cobain killed himself 10 years ago.

'The day Kurt Cobain died was the day the music died for a generation,' said Tana Nugent Jamieson, senior VP of the WB's new longform original programing unit. 'His story is perfect for our audience.'"

Cobain Pic Strikes Chord at WB

OK, I had to look this up to figure it out because I initially thought that the guy they hired wrote the crappy sequel to the Sidney Poitier movie In the Heat of the Night. Then I realized I was mixing two Poitier movies, They Call Me Mr. Tibbs and To Sir, With Love. No, this guy Robert Munic wrote a movie called They Call Me Sirr with two r's. Details on the plot are sketchy at best, but it appears to be a Lucas-type film. What exactly do you have to submit to get hired as a TV movie writer anyway?

I actually started reading this biography and about halfway through I had to put it down because its depression level is somewhere between "The dog I've had since birth got hit by a car" and "Liza Minnelli."


15 abril 2004

I'm Not Sure It's Chicken In America Either

OK, it's not what you think but I laughed pretty hard at the title.

KFC Not Chicken In Tibet

"KFC's plan to open one of its signature fried-chicken restaurants in Tibet as early as this year is likely to face resistance -- but not because it is American.

The unit of Louisville, Kentucky-based Yum Brands Inc. announced the move in January, making it one of the few Western companies to receive permission from Beijing to expand into Tibet, where Chinese troops forcefully imposed their government's rule in 1950."


How About Happy Ending?

"Coming soon to a McDonald's near you: Adult Happy Meals, featuring salad, bottled water, pedometer and a little bit of advice: Walk more.

The hamburger giant outlined plans Thursday to introduce the "Go Active!" meals for grown-ups at all 13,500 of its U.S. restaurants May 6 along with other steps designed to make its fare -- and its image -- more healthy."

I can't be the only one laughing that CNN filed this into their "Health" section.


Wait, The Onion Is Fake?

At first, the Evening News stood by its story, demanding proof it wasn't true. It finally did apologize, but stubbornly tried to deflect blame for having been duped.

Onion Taken Seriously; Film At 11


14 abril 2004

Exactly What Are The Qualifications For This Award?

"Dolly Parton will receive "The Living Legend" award Wednesday from the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., a spokeswoman for the entertainer said.

Parton, 58, will perform at the ceremony for a taped special that will air in May on the cable channel "Great American Country," publicist Kim Fowler said.

Selected by the library's curators and specialists, honorees include artists, writers, entertainers, activists, filmmakers, physicians, sports figures and public servants."

The government went on to say that they would bestow the "Mt. McKinley Memorial Award" on her breasts. Her breasts were unavailable for comment.


13 abril 2004

If You Have About Five Seconds ...

This is a fun little exercise.

Pick up the nearest book.

Open it to page 23.

Find the fifth sentence.

Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

"She reached out with her slim bat and once again sent the ball slicing over the shortstop's head into left field." -- Michael Chabon, Summerland

Well, that wasn't nearly as cool as some of the others.


It's Funny Because It's True

"Carson Daly is receiving a TRL Lifetime Achievement Award. This moving ceremony will most likely consist of montage footage from Carson's career as a host (or "Vee-jay"), an appearance by Bob Ritchie/Kid Rock, and Daly sporting new nail polish and highlights to accept his idiotic award.

It's been a great run, Carson. Six goddamn years has been a lifetime, you talentless, hammerheaded douchebag."

A.J Daulerio examines the week that will be.

Sweet Jewish God, I think I just wet myself.


A Mullato, An Albino, A Mosquito, A Libido

Did anyone see "MTV and Spin Present: The Greatest Grunge Albums of All-Time" on M2 this weekend? If you did, you saw Ultragrrrl flash a homemade, puke-green, Kurt-Cobain-on-MTV-Unplugged sweater that she knit after the show. You also saw a very tidy little recap of three of the greatest musical years of my life.

Notable misplacements/snubs:

1. Stone Temple Pilots' Purple at #20? I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not sure if whoever made this list decided to drop Purple down the list because it was released after Kurt Cobain's death, but I think it's a gross underestimation.

2. Stone Temple Pilots' Core is a pretty notable omission. Maybe the selection team didn't like STP. Based on "Plush" alone, I believe this album should make this list.

3. It's kind of hard to make a big deal about this, but I'm going to anyway. Pearl Jam's Ten at #3 and Soundgarden's Superunknown at #2. If this were my list, these would be reversed. Actually, if this were my list, Alice In Chains Dirt would go from #5 to #3, Ten from #3 to #2, Superunknown from #2 to #4 and In Utero from #4 to #5.

Kudos for:

1. Screaming Trees' Sweet Oblivion at #10. This is a band largely overlooked because of their relatively limited commercial success, but the album is a really solid performance from front to end.

2. L7's Bricks Are Heavy being on the list at all. I was never really crazy about their music, but I love their style. Nothing says "Love us" like throwing used tampons at your audience.

In the end, I loved watching all of the video clips and commentary. Chuck Klosterman's commentary was, as usual, dead on. My final top 5 would have looked like this:

1. Nirvana's Nevermind
2. Pearl Jam's Ten
3. Alice in Chains' Dirt
4. Soundgarden's Superunknown
5. Nirvana's In Utero

Let me know what yours would be.


12 abril 2004

It's Difficult To Call It A Redesign

Because my HTML skills are so poor, people all over Northern California are laughing into their Starbucks.

However, if you haven't noticed, some things are different around here:

- I've totally overhauled the layout of the place. We needed a change. I find the orange and beige not only soothing, but also a little Tex-Mex for your Señor Wences pleasure.

- You can still find my other writing and archives here, but there will be a links section as well. Blogs that I'm reading, blogs that I like and random other sites around the city/country/globe.

- Finally, I'm still not funny.

Some things never change, despite our best efforts.

For those of you that are Y.P.R. readers, we will be back from our Spring Break tomorrow with all-new content and an all-new look.


02 abril 2004

Well, He Is Irish

Legendary sports broadcaster Pat Summerall has been taken to a Florida hospital to await a liver transplant, a family spokesman said on Friday.

Can animatronic people get organ transplants?


Actual Office Memo

I actually received this note in my inbox this morning:

"To all men on the NY Sales floors:

Building management has asked that a notice be sent out to all males on our floors asking to please stop placing tea bags and paper towels in the urinals in the men's rooms. This could result in damage to our plumbing system, please make use the trash cans.

Thank you."

Yes, teabags. This memo takes on a life of its own with the dual meaning of that word.


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