Señor Wences Goes To Town

A Long December?

It's been a long December
And there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

Well, Wencesites, it has been a long December, has it not? There have been all kinds of big doings this month. The news has been chock full of interesting and fabulous stories. The good Señor has had a pretty good year and so have his amigos. I'm going to ignore the risk of sounding trite and megalomaniacal and I'm going to present the First Annual Wencie Awards. Who will win the coveted Wencie awards?


Most Ridiculous Interview

Nominees:

Britney Spears, "Dateline" -- The pop diva seeks to set the record straight with Diane Sawyer. Playboy countdown stands at 4 years, Brit.
Joe Jackson, "20/20" -- Michael Jackson's father takes to the airwaves to defend the son that he used to beat the crap out of for missing a step in the "ABC" dance routine. Hey Joe, you know that Boom Boom Washington played you inthe movie right?
Lawrence Taylor, "60 Minutes" -- The former New York Giants linebacker breaks down on the air, asking that he be allowed to shed the LT image and just be Lawrence. Can't we all just let him crack out of his rut? Sorry, that was the best casual crack joke I could come up with.
Jessica Lynch, "CBS News" -- The American POW practically beggeed everyone not to make a big deal out of her story and leave her alone. Then accepted a book deal and millions of dollars to interview on TV. God bless America.

Winner:

Joe Namath, "ESPN Sunday Night Football" -- An obviously drunk Namath stumbles through a long, nonsensical monologue before making a clumsy pass at interviewer Suzy Kolber. The footage really has to be seen to be believed. The only basis of comparison is the when Farrah Fawcett went on to Letterman stoned and stared pointing at the lights. The interview concluded with Namath telling Kolber that he'd "really like to kiss [her] now." And Kolber sarastically remarking, "Thanks a lot, Joe." It only could have been topped if somehow they worked in that Namath did pantyhose ads.

Best Commerical

Nominees:

Bud Light, "Real Men of Genius" -- We all know these guys. Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer. Mr. Bad Toupee Wearer. Bud Light managed to work in a cheesy 80's singer in the background, echoing the words of the commerical.
Hugh Jackman, "The Boy From Oz" -- The first time I saw this commercial, all I could think to myself is "Why is Wolverine singing and dancing?" and then I found out that the Broadway show being advertised is about Peter Allen, Liza Minnelli's first gay husband. I want you to read the last couple of sentences again and let that really sink in.
Pepsi, "Pepsi Vanilla truck" -- I dislike this soda with a passion but that big truck with hydraulics makes me laugh every time.

Winner:

Coors Light, "Wingman" -- This chick's rocking your bro on the dance floor. But she's carrying an anchor, a junior investment banker, who's talkin' 'bout herself and not much more. So buy her a beer, it's the reason you're here, you mighty wingman. You're takin' one for the team, so your buddy can live the dream. Wingmaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Worst Commercial

Nominees:

Miller Brewing Co., "People Falling" -- This commercial hurts to watch.
Miramax, "Mona Lisa Smile Trailer" -- I'm glad this movie is out now, so I don't have to endure the endless trailer for this movie. It's been on 10 times an hour for the last 4 months. THere's no way this movie is goin gto gross enough to cover the cost of those movies. Fuck you, Harvey Weinstein and the horse you rode in on.
Geico, "I Saved Money by Switching To Geico" -- They finally get rid of the lizard and now this crap? Gekko, Geico. Ha, ha. Very clever. Enough is enough. Someone needs to tell this company that it's just not funny. I'm all for taunting the incarcerated. But the guy's his lawyer. Don't tell him about your car insurance.
Direct TV, "Letters from Users" -- I think that Danny DeVito really needs to fuck off. And soon.
Miller Lite, "Shirtless Fat Guy In Fountain Sitting on Skinny Dude" -- Why?

Winner:

Subway, "Ask Jared" -- I've asked nicely. I've begged. I've written letters. I don't know what else I can do. I need for Jared to go far, far away. It's time for him to fade from my consciousness because I'll tell you what. Soon, I'm going to lose my patience entirely and I can't be responsible for what happens then. You've been warned.

THE WENCIES CONTINUE TOMORROW!

All Good Things Must End

Or is it Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge? King Phillip Climbed Over the Fence and Got Shot? The way I look at it, we have all these mnemonic devices floating around our collective consciousness and no one has the balls to use them. Thus, we've stumbled upon another reason to visit this fine purveyor of grade-A blog humor. Señor Wences: NATUAGMD! (Not Afraid To Use A Good Mnemonic Device!)

Listen up, Wencesites, today is the ultimate day of the Neal Pollack Roast over at YPR. And guess what? The roastee has shot back! Please visit his piece and see what he has to say about being the Man of the Hour!

Not only that, Henny Youngman has visited us from beyond the grave and provided us with some one-lining, gut-busting hilarity. I promise, you will not be the same person after reading Mr. Youngman's skewering. It is a landmark day over at YPR! Be sure to check it all out. All the past pieces from the week can be accessed here.

Of course, Haypenny has dedicated their entire week to our man of honor. Please check out their laugh-inducing work.

Thanks to everyone who participated and we'll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled programming.

The Beat Goes On!

Day Four of the Neal Pollack Roast! What makes this day so special you ask? I'll tell you. Today, Tony DiGerolamo checks in. You may recognize Tony from his Dungeon Master column on (pnote). Today, he creates "The Neal Pollack," a snarling, spotlight hoarding monster with a receding hairline. Ooooooh! Scary!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

I have the coolest sister ever.

Over the last couple of weeks, she managed to corral the email addresses of my close friends, invite them all to throw me a surprise karaoke birthday party and not a single person spilled the beans. I have never, ever been so surprised in my life. This is public acknowledgement for one of the best birthdays I ever had, thanks in large part to her. Special thanks also to the lovely J.Mo, who assisted the sister in all of the planning. It was a wonderful time. Highlights included, a duet of "Total Eclipse of the Heart," a group singalong to "Fame," the seductive female dancing to "Dirrty," and the siblings Wences rocking "Hey Jealousy." Good times were had by all.

Someone check out Rick Santorum. He's written a story to be inculded in a children's anthology. [link courtesy Bookslut]. The deliciously irreverent Jessa Crispin of Bookslut sums it up thusly: "I'm just guessing here, but I bet the title of his story is 'Good Little Boys Don't Fuck Other Little Boys in the Ass.'" Though Ms. Crispin's guess at the title is noble, advance copies of the story appear to have the title, "I Just Flat Out Don't Like Black People." Rejected titles include: "Canine Fellatio" and "Why Am I Such A Horrible Man?"

Finally, Day Three of the Neal Pollack Roast is here and is it a doozy! Amy Stender checks in today to profess the deep love that she maintains for her fiancé. If you want to roast Neal yourself, let us know.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Yes, campers. The rumors are true. On this date, back in the year of our nation's bicentennial, Mamá Wences concluded 32 hours of labor by pumping out a stubborn, hairy little bastard. He was an immediate sensation with the female nurses. Mamá and Papa Wences did not know what to name their child. They thought long and hard. They realized that there was but one man they could honor by naming their child after him.

They called the child "Señor Wences."

Today is my 27th birthday. It doesn't feel old but the true benchmark is the fact that I look at teenage girls and think, "She's pretty." They look at me and call me "Sir."

If I cannot have Hilary Duff's love, what more is there to live for?

I caught the first five minutes of the Jingle Ball Rock concert on FOX last night, that is to say, I watched Beyonce sing "Crazy In Love" last night. As soon as Kelly Clarkson came on the air, the channel changed faster than Clark Kent during Lex Luthor's coming out party. I don't mind the idea that peopel are winning fame on television. It's more who is winning that I have an issue with. Vote on looks or vote on talent, but don't vote on neither. Kelly Clarkson honestly looks like she got hit by a bus. She hit the wall harder than a Ray Charles playing jai alai.

If anyone is interested, I'll be celebrating my birthday in NYC:

Doc Holiday's
9th St. and Ave. A
Friday Dec. 19th
9PM

Come on by and introduce yourself. I don't bite ... hard.

The Roast Redux

Check out today's Yankee Pot Roast. The guy who wrote that? That's me.

Also, be sure to check out other site's contributions, including Haypenny, who will be joining us in week-long mockery.

For all of the participating sites, check out the Neal Pollack Roast HQ

I bid you all, adieu!

The Roast is On!!

Greetings, loyal readers of Señor Wences! Today is a special day. No, it's not just that the good Señor will celebrate the anniversary of his birth tomorrow. It is not that at all. No, today is a special day because today we are having a connective and collective online roast of everyone's ultimate media whore, Neal Pollack! We're encouraging everyone to join in, so if you have anything you'd like to say to America's favorite doughy author, please join in.

You can pick up the logo here

If you don't want to post on your site but have something to say, write us here and we'll post it for you.

I do, of course, enocourage you to go here, and read all the wonderful roasts by all of YPR's Internet friends.

As you can see, I have selected the growing penis logo for Señor Wences because it signifies the growing influence of Neal's literature and the fact that he's an insufferable penis. It works on so many levels! Neal has been an inspiration to me. If it weren't for Neal, I would have never known that you can get published simply by smearing verbal feces all over a page and giving it to a publisher.

Where would the Internet blogging community be without Neal Pollack? We all owe him a debt of gratitude. Mostly for ceasing operations on his midless website.

Anyway, I'll have more on Neal tomorrow. In the meantime, blog on!

From The "Who Gives A Shit" File:

Shafer, 26, helped find the number as a volunteer on an eight-year-old project called the Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search.

"People are going to make posters of it to hang up on the wall," said Shafer, who is pursuing a doctorate in chemical engineering. "It's a neat accomplishment, but it really doesn't have any applicability."

As for his own standing in the world of mathematics, "I don't think I'm going to be recognized as I go down the street or anything like that."

Yes, but has he ever felt a girl's boobies?

Suns Basketball: It's A Man's Game!

Quote from Phoenix Suns new coach Mike D'Antoni:

"It should be exciting the first couple of nights. Balls should be flying around. We'll try not to hurt anybody," D'Antoni said.

Insert inappropriate Michael Jackson joke here.

I Guess You Need To Smoke Crack To Have Hair That Looks Like That

George Clinton has been arrested for possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. Dr. Funkenstein, the man is the king of Interplanetary Funk. My question is, how did it take them so long to figure out George Clinton was doing drugs? The man wears bedsheets while men wearing diapers back him up on stage. I feel like if you're going to be arresting people for doing drugs, this guy should be a slam dunk.

They Also Rob Banks, Enjoy Pornography and Abuse Narcotics

Heavy television viewing by children has been linked to eating more junk food, getting less exercise and obesity, but this was the first study to show that TV watching led to lower consumption of nutritious fruit and vegetables, said the report, which was published in the journal Pediatrics.

I quote Ned's Atomic Dustbin, "Took him by the hair/spun him round about/laughing as he fell about/sat down for a drink/in her father's favorite chair/kill your television"

Interesting article from a back issue of The Atlantic:

Loving and hating New York becomes a matter of alternating moods, often in the same day. The place constantly exasperates, at times exhilarates. To me, it is the city of unavoidable experience. Living there, one has the reassurance of steadily confronting life.

Some of its references are out of date, but it's a pretty good description of what it's like to live here and why it's impossible to leave.

It's Official

The stupidest man alive has revealed himself to the public. Stop the presses. Close the voting booths. We have a winner.

I'm finished with this culture. I'm packing up my gear to go timeshare with Jeremiah Johnson.

Would You Rather He Said 'Queer'?

Or would you just rather that these people went away altogether?

It's one thing to dislike gay people. That's your prerogative. It's quite another to tell a child that his family is wrong. The school board should take a hard look at these two "educators."

The Decline of Modern Collegiate Athletics?

Turning down a bowl bid for exams? Shame on you, TCU.

He's Baaaaaaaaack

NFL.com has hired misunderstood and misquoted anti-Semite Gregg Easterbrook to revive his Tuesday Morning Quarterback column [link courtesy The Rattler]. In addition to his TMQB duties, Easterbrook will also be doing commentary for the NFL Network, which launched on November 4th of this year. In true Charlie Ward/Allan Houston-style, Easterbrook has adeptly recovered from his rather public comments regarding Jews and their control over the media, stemming from the "too violent" Kill Bill, Vol. I.

Well, I guess the Jews don't have enough control over the media. You are, after all, back in the public eye, Easterbrook. We do know how to capitalize on controversy to turn a buck, though.

Thanksgiving and Nuptuals, The Good and the Bad and Some Time To Reflect

First and foremost, Señor Wences hopes that eveyone had a wonderful and safe holiday weekend, filled with delicious homemade treats and savory baked goods.

Usually, Thanksgiving is a miserable time for me. I'm either sick or I have to run to three different places for the holiday or there's some unforeseen pothole in the road to turkey eating that distracts me from enjoying the holiday. This year, it was great. I spent it quietly with my family. There was no yelling, no sulking, no fighting. We all just sat around and ate and laughed and played board games and cards. To be honest, I couldn't have asked for a better time. And so, I present, the first annual "Things The Good Señor Is Thankful For" (If you say that with the correct meter, it rhymes)

1) I am thankful that I have an ingenous website that, little by little, pokes holes in the writing establishment by presenting whatever the hell we want in whatever form we want.

2) I am thankful that the girl that sits on the other side of the office wore that shirt that you can see through today.

3) I am thankful for the little things, like no-stick pots and pans, pizza that's hot enough to eat but not hot enough to burn the roof of your mouth, a good book, the dog that I sat and watched for a minute this morning before I got on the train, the smile that I got from the woman who gave me my breakfast when I replied "Not long enough" to her query as to the nature of my weekend.

4) And I am thankful for the big things, like the New York Rangers, love, Penn Station, charity, good humor. Also, Good Humor.

And I am thankful that I have perspective.

This weekend, I stood on the altar with two of my best friends and watched them get married. It's humbling, in a way, to watch two people that love each other as much as they do take those vows. It was special to me that they wanted me to be the one to witness by signing their marriage license. The whole weekend was a great experience, full of more laughs and friendship. I'm continually wowed by the capacity that the people I know have for joy and love.

And then last night, I found out that a good friend's father passed away.

Saturday, I watched two people start a new life together. Tomorrow, I'm going to help my friend say good-bye to his father. Unbridled joy and untempered sadness in the span of two days. That is how capricious life is. And that is why I'm thankful. The process of gaining perspective is sometimes subtle. It's noticing that the old lady who paints on your corner isn't there one day and you hope that she comes back when the weather warms up. Sometimes perspective walks up and smashes you over the head with a block of concrete. I'm thankful that I can appreciate both.